I know a little something about pain. There is no measure stick on who feels more pain, or how deep the cut feels. We all feel pain differently. We all navigate the best we can but deep down we all want the wounds to heal and the hurt to stop. How do we arrive there? Is there a destination? Does God really desire to heal the broken places? And how do we begin the process? Here is what I learned.
I know pain. I have pushed 5 babies out into this world. I have grieved for two babies that ended in miscarriage, babies I would never hold, except in my heart.
I have sat in the hard cold chairs in the hospital waiting room when my baby had a nine hour surgery, and when my son had been knocked unconscious . And again, when the call came that my dad had a heart attack, I sat in those chairs waiting.
I have stood by my brother's bed and said my last goodbye, knowing there was so much time that went by that I could have said, "I admire you, I love you, and thank you for being my big brother." I saw my dad standing in the doorway when my brother had passed, tears streaming down his face, and felt his utter loss and sadness.
I have stroked my beloved pet, my best friend, as the vet gave him a shot to leave this earth. I have held my little girls hand and wiped her tears when we put her guinea pig to sleep.
I have stood at the grave of those I'd loved, those that touched my heart deeply, and felt the emptiness engulf me.
I have watched my six year old child's heart shatter and fall to the ground when he realized his great grandmother was going to leave this earth. I have picked him up, gathered him in my arms and sobbed with him when there were no words to soothe his broken soul.
I have watched my daughter struggle for significance and fight through the pain of not feeling enough, not being loved enough, and not feeling wanted.
I have walked away from an eighteen year marriage, when I felt alone and lost. And I have pushed away a twelve year relationship that was unhealthy to me and to him, because we were not good to and for each other.
I have overcome, embraced, and been faced with how I was not being who God had called me to be. I have had to learn to be authentic and transparent, when all I wanted to do is hide and lick my wounds.
Pain leaves its mark on us. It leaves a wound that only Jesus can heal. We all walk around with hidden wounds and secret hurts that paralyze us from living to God's potential for us. But Jesus came to save us. To heal those gaping wounds and clean away all the things that would infect our hearts and make us feel unworthy and in bondage to pain. We find true healing when when we lay our burdens and our pain at the cross, at Jesus's feet. When we forgive others, and forgive ourselves.
The path to healing deep wounds sometimes seems insurmountable. True deep pain was never meant to take up residence in our heart. That is why our heart breaks. But God is the ultimate restorer and when a broken heart shatters, he simply has more pieces to work with. The path to healing starts with turning over those pieces to Jesus and letting him rebuild us.
We can begin the healing process by applying the Word of God. (1) We need to see that God had a purpose in allowing us to be wounded (Genesis. 50:20). (2) We need to see that God can work all things together for our good (Romans 8:28). (3) We need to come to rejoice in the Lord over the experience (Philippians. 4:4). (4) We need to develop and share our testimony with others.
And today, I am saying. I want to have a scar. I want to run my hands over it and marvel at how beautiful it is. Beautiful because it has healed. Beautiful because the suffering is gone. Beautiful because I wear the mark of God's redemption and I am changed forever.